The other day, my friend who lives in Ohio told me that was experiencing SAD, a very common depression that people in cold, dark places often experience during the winters. A few days later, a flashing thought occurred to me that my friend could be suffering from vitamin D deficiency. Although I live in sunny CA, I was diagnosed with extreme vitamin D deficiency. Once I started taking supplements, my chronic headaches, extreme fatigue, anxiety, and depression greatly reduced. Immediately, I googled, "vitamin D and wintertime sadness". Countless articles written by doctors, nurses, and health practitioners popped up. There appeared to a correlation between winters and depression. Most of these articles recommended increased lighting in homes and taking Vitamin D supplements.
I immediately wanted to inform my friend of this. But for some reason, I hesitated.
"What if he feels like I'm lecturing him and gets offended?"
"What if he doesn't want my help?"
"He probably won't take them anyways."
"Should I just send him a bottle? No, that's too extreme."
These are only a few of the thoughts that raced through my mind. In the end, I decided to share with him my opinion. To not act out of fear felt wrong, weak.
Later that day, I sent him a link with a doctor explaining the correlation between vitamin D and SAD. I explained my own positive experiences, and how and when you should take the supplements. Then, I anxiously waited for his response.
His response: "OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH! This might be just what I need! I was reading about SAD the other day and it didn't even occur to me that it could be due to a vitamin deficiency. I'll get some supplements ASAP."
He proceeded to thank me 3 more times before heading on his way.
It's interesting to note that the concerns and anxiety I experienced were due to my past. In the past, people have kicked away my options and advice, got offended when I tried to help, and made me feel guilty for offering. To assume the same results from my friend is innately human, but it wasn't fair to him or to myself. My past built these defense mechanisms and walls that ultimately closed me off from others, all because of my fear of rejection. Because of my fear, I didn't allow myself to trust someone who was more than deserving of it. I almost didn't offer my advice; I almost didn't allow my friend that small piece of hope; and I almost did not allow for his gratitude. My hope is that I will come to recognize these instances in the future and if my fears are not justified, to be brave enough to overcome them.
Well put! I feel like this all of the time- a little different because I'm more concerned about people misinterpreting my intentions and judging me than flat out rejection. Though I guess that's a form of rejection. Either way, pretty darn close.
ReplyDeleteWe're blessed with the biggest hearts- so then why is it so hard to share our love with others? I know that it can be a mechanism to protect my fragile soul, but I feel selfish when I don't give my love away, like I'm hording a precious resource that someone else needs. I think that's why I feel compelled to do this sort of thing but then I agonize over it afterwards.
I find myself doing stuff like this with strangers in a writing forum that I frequent. On a whim, I type out a quick message, embed the link and hit send. Only then do I notice all of the grammatical and spelling errors. (Of course!)
My experience is something along the lines of - I start worrying about whether they'll take me seriously as a writer at all because "real" (neurotypical) writers don't reverse word order when they type. Or will they see my last name and assume that English isn't my native language? They don't know that I struggle w Learning Disabilities, they'll just think I'm stupid! And ... was that a joke about cannibalism? They'll probably think "eating people" means something dirty. Yep! They're definitely going to report me to the administrators for harassing them! Oh my gosh! Then the admins will read the message and they'll definitely judge me too! They'll probably stop reading my book because they think the crazy stalker is based on my life because I'm a weirdo. I kind of am. A weirdo. Not a stalker. Oh God! Why am I so weird?!? Normal people feel like this? Do they? Ohhhh!!! Why'd I send that stupid message?....
Hey! They wrote back!
"Haha! Thanks for the article Steph. Loved it! BTW, can't wait for the next chapter" ... and all is right in the world. Until I get the bright idea to message someone else... Hmm ... maybe it's time to address my anxiety. Nah! My doctor would definitely judge me for self diagnosing. (You can see how this can quickly spiral out of control.)
I've been trying a technique of reminding myself that people are just people. They all screw up too. I have to remind myself that it's okay not to be perfect (most of the time, I feel so grossly imperfect that it's hard to accept myself as I am). I also remind myself that people (my inner circle) will still love me no matter what. Sounds silly but receiving those on-point articles remind me that I'm not the only one that feels and cares. That someone else knows me well and still loves me anyway. By all means, send those links!
I've been working on letting go and giving myself permission to be impulsive (in a somewhat controlled setting), though that may be more closely related to the way I handle my ADD than being INFP. Not sure. What I do know is I'm terrified that if I don't let it out, a little at a time, that it will come out all at once like a monster chewing its way out from somewhere deep inside of me. And when that happens, I'll lose control of myself and do something drastic. Sounds silly when I put it down in words. SO MUCH ANXIETY! But since I'm working on letting go AND staying positive while I do it, I'm planning on posting this comment without even double checking it for grammar. (Just kidding, I double check almost everything and stuff still slips past me. Don't judge!)
It can be scary to put ourselves out there. It's important that we remind ourselves that just because we've been burned in the past, doesn't mean we should extinguish every flame for all eternity. Be bold in your love (or advice which can often be one and the same) and allow the flame to burn. Give it freely (at least to those in your inner circle). :)